Learn from my mistakes

I was with someone for close to five years who adored me and treated me like a king. I have never been so close to another human being in my entire life. To say that we were in love is to diminish the depth and breadth of that bond, or maybe it is that I never fully appreciated what that meant, until now in its' absence.
I found my soulmate, the one that I have traveled through lifetimes with. I have never been more happy or more sad. Happy at the occasion of us finding one another and sad for my loss, my failure to maintain and build the gift that our union was.
The relationship, as it was is over.  I ruined it because of my own personal weaknesses. She played her own part, but really she did nothing but love me and then react to my lies and cheating. I've never met a more sensitive person.
So I wrote that some months ago, maybe six or 7...I don't remember. I do know that this person does not want anything to do with me and I feel like an idiot for carrying a torch. I feel like an idiot for screwing up and messing up in the first place, but I can't fix it.  I tried and tried and kept not getting it right. I even knew what I could have done, but I didn't do it. I don't know why.
What I have learned is that through breaking our relationship, our bond, I broke myself. I can't remember ever feeling as bad as I have for as long as I have. This shit sucks.
In breaking our trust, cheating, lying, being self centered and ignoring my ladies' needs, I burned her. She relocated to this area for me, left her ailing father, gave up a great job with tenure, out of a house that she owned to move here into an apartment, away from all the things she loved and people she knew. I tried to be a good boyfriend, but she took me off the streets. I still had too much of that in me to settle down. I was desperate and hungry and acted like I was desperate and hungry. I was greedy and selfish, and in the process of me working out my inner demons, I hurt a woman who didn't want to do anything but love me and be loved. That burns and tears at me.
I can't make sense of it. I don't understand the why? Why wouldn't I build here instead of destroy? What made me set fire to her life and mine?
I am used to it, so I created it where it was absent.
The it here can be anything, but I had lived a life of near chaos for a long time. I did not function outside of that context well, so I created it where there was none.
I hate that I did it, I hate that i hurt someone who loved me so completely.