untitled and unfinished

I found this today, going through old poems and scraps of writing

here i stand

And here I stand, asking you for nothing really but everything

nothing less than your whole heart

that is what I give

it really is all of me

If I were to be burned down, distilled to my essence

I would be just a beating heart, dark with the blood of my ancestors

bright with the light of possibility

and possessed by unconditional love

For you. You’ve lifted me.

propelled me forward, followed me to the door of my dark closet and stood at my back while I examined each and every skeleton, confronted every boogie man and paid every bill.

You love me.  Not just the sexy me, but the asshole me, the sick me, the crazy me. The me in me that I can’t even see. I love you too. I see the defiant goddess, that shakes her hip and lifts her chin against her enemy.

Learn from my mistakes

I was with someone for close to five years who adored me and treated me like a king. I have never been so close to another human being in my entire life. To say that we were in love is to diminish the depth and breadth of that bond, or maybe it is that I never fully appreciated what that meant, until now in its' absence.
I found my soulmate, the one that I have traveled through lifetimes with. I have never been more happy or more sad. Happy at the occasion of us finding one another and sad for my loss, my failure to maintain and build the gift that our union was.
The relationship, as it was is over.  I ruined it because of my own personal weaknesses. She played her own part, but really she did nothing but love me and then react to my lies and cheating. I've never met a more sensitive person.
So I wrote that some months ago, maybe six or 7...I don't remember. I do know that this person does not want anything to do with me and I feel like an idiot for carrying a torch. I feel like an idiot for screwing up and messing up in the first place, but I can't fix it.  I tried and tried and kept not getting it right. I even knew what I could have done, but I didn't do it. I don't know why.
What I have learned is that through breaking our relationship, our bond, I broke myself. I can't remember ever feeling as bad as I have for as long as I have. This shit sucks.
In breaking our trust, cheating, lying, being self centered and ignoring my ladies' needs, I burned her. She relocated to this area for me, left her ailing father, gave up a great job with tenure, out of a house that she owned to move here into an apartment, away from all the things she loved and people she knew. I tried to be a good boyfriend, but she took me off the streets. I still had too much of that in me to settle down. I was desperate and hungry and acted like I was desperate and hungry. I was greedy and selfish, and in the process of me working out my inner demons, I hurt a woman who didn't want to do anything but love me and be loved. That burns and tears at me.
I can't make sense of it. I don't understand the why? Why wouldn't I build here instead of destroy? What made me set fire to her life and mine?
I am used to it, so I created it where it was absent.
The it here can be anything, but I had lived a life of near chaos for a long time. I did not function outside of that context well, so I created it where there was none.
I hate that I did it, I hate that i hurt someone who loved me so completely.

Let it go, let it go, let it go!

I'm feeling like it's too late for me, but maybe someone out there will read this at some point and it will help them. I don't know, but shit I hope so. This is going to be a long post, because I tend to bleed out in public, so let me sum this whole thing up for you. Do not ever cheat on the woman you love. Just don't do it. Take it from me, a 43 year old man, at the time of this writing who is on the wrong side of someone I love and who I thought I'd die with. We had a beautiful love story and I fucked it up.
I first saw Denise when we were in college some 24 years ago. I was running late to class, and I was on my bike. We passed one another and she gave me a look that I've come to know as the "what are you about?" look. God, I love her. I noted the look and kept going. "I know I'll see her again" but I didn't, not for 20+ years. Thank God for FB.
I ran across this poem on a site that people post poetry on anonymously
If I Could, I Would
If I could, I would
put you whole into my mouth,
and roll you over with my tongue.
I'd sip your heated nectar
like honey most refined,
and bathe my throat in the luscious taste of you.
Should you wish I would
paint your skin with lightest touch,
and trace your name with fingertips.
I'd write my passions out
along your gentle curves,
and draw you arching up to greet my eager hands.
When you sigh I shall
catch your breath between my lips,
and hold it there to melt into my own.
I'd breathe my rapture back to you,
through all the chambers of your soul.
There to seal away my love where words can never reach.

Later, I found out that Denise wrote the poem, for me.
We talked on the phone for hours. Nov. 9, 2009 we became a couple. I knew this was the woman I had been praying for, the one I had been praying for. Sorry to say it looks like I've fucked it up.
A little under 5 years ago, I was homeless, couch surfing and deeply depressed. Denise picked me up, gave me unconditional love, paid my rent when I had no money, clothed me....she restored me.
When I met her, I was involved with another woman, let's call her Dulce. She's kind of a celebrity and we hit it off well enough. She and I liked each other, but I was depressed, she had some health challenges, actually lived pretty far out of state. I needed a lot more than I could ask from her, but on top of all that, when I met Denise, that was it. I didn't want to be the bad guy, though so I kept stalling.
Under all of that was my own deep lack of self love, and a sense of self esteem built on my ability to f*ck. Nothing real. I'm not a pornstar, but I was acting like I was and I earned a reputation to go along with it. Not one that I am proud of either. Really just some bullshit.
Anyway, Denise already knows this, but I had sex with Dulce. She came over and no matter what the circumstances, it was wrong. A little bit after that, I crossed the line again with another woman.
Not okay at all. Denise knew, and she kept asking me, but I kept lying about it. The lies just kept piling up, as I told myself that I was lying to protect our relationship.
I'll say it here, lying to your soulmate is never okay or justifiable.
There's a spiritual bond between couples. Cheating and the attendant behavior corrupts that bond. I don't know if it can be repaired.