I'm feeling like it's too late for me, but maybe someone out there will read this at some point and it will help them. I don't know, but shit I hope so. This is going to be a long post, because I tend to bleed out in public, so let me sum this whole thing up for you. Do not ever cheat on the woman you love. Just don't do it. Take it from me, a 43 year old man, at the time of this writing who is on the wrong side of someone I love and who I thought I'd die with. We had a beautiful love story and I fucked it up.
I first saw Denise when we were in college some 24 years ago. I was running late to class, and I was on my bike. We passed one another and she gave me a look that I've come to know as the "what are you about?" look. God, I love her. I noted the look and kept going. "I know I'll see her again" but I didn't, not for 20+ years. Thank God for FB.
I ran across this poem on a site that people post poetry on anonymously
If I Could, I Would
If I could, I would
put you whole into my mouth,
and roll you over with my tongue.
I'd sip your heated nectar
like honey most refined,
and bathe my throat in the luscious taste of you.
Should you wish I would
paint your skin with lightest touch,
and trace your name with fingertips.
I'd write my passions out
along your gentle curves,
and draw you arching up to greet my eager hands.
When you sigh I shall
catch your breath between my lips,
and hold it there to melt into my own.
I'd breathe my rapture back to you,
through all the chambers of your soul.
There to seal away my love where words can never reach.
Later, I found out that Denise wrote the poem, for me.
We talked on the phone for hours. Nov. 9, 2009 we became a couple. I knew this was the woman I had been praying for, the one I had been praying for. Sorry to say it looks like I've fucked it up.
A little under 5 years ago, I was homeless, couch surfing and deeply depressed. Denise picked me up, gave me unconditional love, paid my rent when I had no money, clothed me....she restored me.
When I met her, I was involved with another woman, let's call her Dulce. She's kind of a celebrity and we hit it off well enough. She and I liked each other, but I was depressed, she had some health challenges, actually lived pretty far out of state. I needed a lot more than I could ask from her, but on top of all that, when I met Denise, that was it. I didn't want to be the bad guy, though so I kept stalling.
Under all of that was my own deep lack of self love, and a sense of self esteem built on my ability to f*ck. Nothing real. I'm not a pornstar, but I was acting like I was and I earned a reputation to go along with it. Not one that I am proud of either. Really just some bullshit.
Anyway, Denise already knows this, but I had sex with Dulce. She came over and no matter what the circumstances, it was wrong. A little bit after that, I crossed the line again with another woman.
Not okay at all. Denise knew, and she kept asking me, but I kept lying about it. The lies just kept piling up, as I told myself that I was lying to protect our relationship.
I'll say it here, lying to your soulmate is never okay or justifiable.
There's a spiritual bond between couples. Cheating and the attendant behavior corrupts that bond. I don't know if it can be repaired.
